I Just Wanted Some Dragon Pron...

Never Deal with Dragons - Lorenda Christensen
I picked this up and buddy read it with two friends because we thought it would be dragon porn. Hey, don’t judge us; look at that damn cover, dude has Mushu crawling up his arm.

Anywho, we’d just come off of reading a book that seemed like it would be gargoyle porn (see, I really hoped) but ended up being a frigging fantastic beginning to a UF series instead. We ALLloved it. So we figured we’d continue the creature-feature theme. 

This book is not dragon porn. At first I was disappointed by that (okay, NOW you can judge me). This is also better classified as a UF. I’ll admit, in the beginning, I really liked this book. The MC was quirky, funny, and was able to stay calm in the face of dragon vomit. Not only that, but the world building was pretty nifty too. Alright so the Frankenscience behind the dragon lore was laughable but I could deal with it when it was surrounded by so much awesome. Then we meet the love interest, Trian. 

Le douche. 

Le douchey douche. 

Le FUCKING douche. 

You get the picture. The dude is a douchecopter. He and the MC, Myrna, used to date. They dated for a year, in fact. Then, out of nowhere, he stole a bunch of her classified work papers, broke up with her via a fucking two line note and disappeared. Her career was OBVIOUSLY ruined because of this and so now she’s stuck in a shitty job, working for a shitty boss with no hope of being promoted out of it because the man she answers to is useless and she does all his work for him. 

So out of the blue, Trian, THE DOUCHEKNUCKLE, comes waltzing back into her life. 

Proper response here:

Myrna’s response:

Hold the fucking phone. This dude broke your heart, ruined your career and fucking LIED to you about your entire relationship and you’re checking him out?

Pardon me, I have a strong and sudden urge to vomit. 

Throughout the rest of the book he continues to prove how utterly untrustworthy he is and she continues to lust after him. I hated his ass. I didn’t find one fucking redeeming quality in him. 

All their drama comes to a head when he admits that even though there were extenuating circumstances surrounding just WHY he stole those docs from her, he didn’t have to leave her. He did that because his boss suggested he should. 

Ah, true love.

Apparently admitting that you’re a lying, manipulative bastard that will leave your partner because your boss FUCKING SUGGESTS you do is an aphrodisiac, as it leads to her immediately declaring her love for him. 

Fuck. My. Life.

On top of this, the plot twists were obvious to the reader but Myrna couldn’t see the clues coming even when they were pretty much lit up like Christmas trees. 

So in short, interesting premise, promising start, horrifically stupid main characters.