I’m Too Stupid to Live and So Can You!
A Checklist, By Faythe
A Checklist, By Faythe
When sensing a threat to your person, I find it’s best to do the following:
1. Get rid of any potential witnesses. If you’re about to get your ass kicked they could double as rescuers and how can you expect to get kidnapped or die a grizzly death with that type of pesky interference?
2. Forget calling for backup. Who wants to be told to do boring things like “Stay in a well-lit area” or “Get inside and lock the doors”?
3. Find the darkest alley possible and proceed directly to it, especially if it’s nighttime and you’re somewhere with heavy foot traffic, like a college campus. You’ve already gotten rid of your witnesses if you know what’s good for you but you can never underestimate those good-for-nothing Samaritans. You’ll only be safe from them if they can’t see you.
4. Assume that your mere presence will be enough to scare off your unknown assailant. After all, you’re under five and a half feet tall and weigh less than 125lbs, who wouldn’t be scared of you?
5. When you reach the darkest part of the alley, stop. This is thePERFECT spot to fight because your attacker won’t be able to see a goddamn thing. Neither will you but that’s not the point.
6. As soon as you catch the scent of your assailant, busy your hands. I find the best way to do this is to fumble with your phone to call for that backup you don’t really need. Oh, but make sure you don’t actually follow through with this because who wants to hear bad advice like “Run” or “Call the cops” when you have bigger things to worry about?
7. If the person who wants to kidnap/rape/kill you doesn’t take advantage of your busy hands and downcast eyes, start walking forward again. Don’t forget to shuffle your feet. This serves the dual purpose of keeping you from bumping into anything and also making as much fucking noise as possible so your attacker knows EXACTLY where you are.
8. When your loud shuffling and intimidating physical stature successfully scares your attacker into running away from you (trust me, he’ll run), chase that motha fucka down.
9. Don’t pause to wonder whether or not his running is a ruse to lure you closer to HIS backup (silly girl, he doesn’t have any) or to the chloroform laced rag he wants to shove into your face. Give yourself a pep talk instead, I find it’s much more helpful.
10. While your internal monologue runs on repeat about your awesomeness take this time to also lose track of your assailant. That way, when he kicks you in the head it will catch you completely off guard and give you the advantage of being dizzy and also sprawled out on the ground. Everyone knows this is the best position to fight from when outweighed and outclassed.
11. If for some reason he gains the upper hand and manages to land a few more punches you should start to think about getting back up and fighting. I find doing something unexpected, like breaking his nose, works well to give myself some breathing room from the onslaught of fists.
12. You’ll know you’ve succeeded when you hear that satisfying crunch of bone. You might want to press your advantage here because he’s now doubled over and bleeding profusely but there are better things to do. LIKE MONOLOGUE!