Every Which Way - Calia Read

No. Fuck no. This is unreadable. Not only that, but I’m pretty sure that the Surgeon General would label it as a carcinogenic since: 

Where the hell do I even begin with this mess? Oh, I know, how about with the fucking thundercunt of a female lead? Let me tell you all about this hypocritical, misogynistic twatwaffle. She’s fucking speshul, mmkay? Her name is Severine. 

“Not Sayvuhreen, not Sever-reen... it’s Seh-vreen.”

Why thank you for explaining that to me, how sweet of you (said no one ever to this bitch). But I still don’t think I have a handle on how to properly pronounce it so why don’t we shorten it to something easier? Like Dieinafuckingfire. That has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? 


Crap. That’s not actually shorter is it? Silly me, I must be a fucking moron, like ALL GIRLS THAT AREN’T YOU. No really, if you’re not this chick or one of her two female friends and you own a vagina, you’re a ho, a dog, a playboy bunny wanna-be, a whore, a whore, OR A WHORE. But don’t take my word for this, let’s let Dieinafuckingfire tell you all about it. 

“The girls she’d insulted earlier were dressed like they were about to catch a flight to Cabo. Severine stopped a groan from emerging from her throat. There should be a shirt for all girls like them. Not even that... maybe a club. Their slogan: Destroying the impression of girls everywhere since the word ‘tramp stamp’ was invented.”

“Depend -a-ho is a female that sits around, waiting for a dude. She often scours the room, adjusts her dress constantly, and stutters around a guy because she thinks it’s cute.” “It also includes lip biting and constantly twirling your hair.”

“His arm was still around Lily, but he smirked at whore one and whore two.”

Not only is Dieinafuckingfire a raging misogynist but she’s also psychic. How else can you explain how she knows so much about people with just a glance? 

“A muscle in his jaw ticked and Severine smirked. She knew what he’d be like. Being near him would start out as a rollercoaster ride— her nerves would be frayed and she’d be completely terrified…”

…and blah blah fucking blah. She goes on to tell you what their entire relationship will be like. Because, you know, she has powers. FYI, she’s not actually psychic. This book has zero paranormal elements. BUT BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE GREAT DIEINAFUCKINGFIRE!!!

“The lust running rampant through her veins told her she liked his hands on her. She knew for a fact it would happen again.”

“Severine knew that when his attention was on her, he had no idea what was being said in front of them.”

Are you ready for the kicker? 

“She hated assumptions, especially when they were directed at her.” 

LOL…wut? This chick is the most judgmental moron I’ve ever had the displeasure of reading about. She judges everyone, for everything. CONSTANTLY. Even her ‘friends’. 

“She wasn’t going to encourage a conversation with Thayer Sloan. She knew his game and had no interest in playing it.” – An assumption, based off of seeing the dude once. They didn’t even speak. 

“I’m-so-different-than-the-rest-of-you girl pointedly glared in Severine’s direction.” – She knows that this chick thinks of herself in this way because, regardless of the fact that they just met and have said two words to each other, she’s wearing hipster glasses. That’s right. You can tell everything about a person just by a glance. BUT THAT’S NOT MAKING ASSUMPTIONS OR BEING A JUDGEMENTAL DOUCHECOPTER, THAT’S REALITY.

“But as she narrowed her eyes at Severine’s presence, Severine knew she was far from optimistic. Lord. Not one of those girls.” – Just so you know, no matter who you are, how you dress or how you behave, you’re one of those girls to Dieinafuckingfire. 

The Stupid is strong with this one, folks. She’s a hypocrite about so many things that it actually gets funny. Okay, so maybe not haha-funny but more like get-me-the-fucking-machete funny. You know what I mean, right? RIGHT???

She makes fun of chicks that get drunk at parties and then proceeds to get drunk at a party. She talks shit about girls that are “slutty” and then encourages her bestie to be more “slutty”. She talks shit about girls that are even seen with a guy and then proceeds to confess that not only is she a serial-dater but that she also flirts with every guy around her because, AND I FUCKING QUOTE:

“…I do what every single guy does.”


I wasn’t going to say anything about the writing because I’ve been informed that the writer is German and that English may or may not be her first language. But you know what? Fuck that. I read the acknowledgements and not only was this beta read but it was edited. So there’s no excuse for all the WTFery I found within its pages. 

“The leather across from her creaked and she looked at her friend Lily, who was slithered deeper into the chair.”

“She tried to character someone uninterested.”

“She’d never be able to construe his thoughts.”

“She wondered what it would be like to create a mess in his eyes…”

This was me throughout this book: 

And don’t even get me started on how everything everyone did revolved around Dieinafuckingfire or how condescending and shitty she could be to her friends. Oh, and just so you know, all of the above is from the fifty pages that I managed to read. Imagine how much worse it gets. 


Do yourself a favor, save your brain cells and read something else. Also, if you’d like a less ragey and much more comprehensive review about this book I suggest reading this review.